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Every week I force myself to write a new poem, because without deadlines I’ll just sit on my jacksie listening to podcasts and scooping M&Ms into my greasy, sodden maw. They’re all first drafts – sometimes they’re good, sometimes they are the direst of bum-fruit. I do requests! If you would like a poem written … Read more

Release date: 1988 Systems: Sega Master System, PC Engine, PC Engine-CD, Famicom, Atari ST, ZX Spectrum, Commodore 64, Amstrad CPC, Commodore Amiga, DOS Altered Beast is one of those games that everyone remembers through a fog of nostalgia. Before Sonic The Hedgehog, it came as the built-in game on the Sega Megadrive. Like last week’s … Read more

Hey kid, how’s it going? *gun and wink* I drove for a total of 9 hours on Saturday. I’ve only just passed my test, so this was big news, you guys. The results are in: Passenger Deaths: 0/4 Sugar-Mallow Pigs Consumed: 11/30 Current DriverRank™: Jr Trolley-Pusha When I level-up I’m pumping all my stat increases … Read more

Last Sunday, CNN published an opinion piece about Chuck Ross, ‘the man who turned rejection into a career’. Back in the 70s, a young Ross, frustrated that his mystery novel had failed to find a publisher, retyped National Book Award-winning novel Steps by Jerzy Kosinski, then submitted it to 14 publishers and 13 agents, taking … Read more

Now then writing fans. Welcome to another edition of Death Of 1000 Cuts – making you an awesome writer, one cut at a time. Some thoughts on the art of dialogue attribution this week. If you’re working on a novel and would like me to cast my beady eye over your first page, in public … Read more

10 Priests I shot 10 priests. I don’t know why I did it; I suppose I’d had enough of their synchronised wheedling The Luger discharged accidentally during a demonstration of German firearms. One priest had volunteered to play a rebellious POW. I was the executing officer. I did the accent. I thought the safety was … Read more

Release date: 1988 Systems: Arcade, Amiga, Amstrad CPC, Apple II, Atari ST, Commodore 64, DOS, NES, ZX Spectrum A ‘dude’ used to be a sort of metropolitan dandy, but the word underwent some totally badass semantic drift and, during the 80s and 90s, generally referred to any guy who was really, really cool. Now it … Read more

Pip pip! It’s Monday, and that can be semantically-parsed in only one manner – it’s time for another filler-post in the form of News Monday! I took part in the RAP Party at the Southbank on Saturday night. Oh my stars it was good. Obviously it was a lovely, slightly guilty pleasure for me to … Read more

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking: hey, Tim, I don’t have to see anything. You can’t make me. You’re not the king. And to that, I say: if I’m not the king, how do you explain my sweet crown? QED, motherfuckers. 1. Rob Auton: The Sky Show Rob Auton is one of the funniest, … Read more

Welcome to Death Of 1000 Cuts – making you an awesome writer, one cut at a time. You know the drill. Read the extract, then my comments below. Thanks very much to Steph for supplying the first page this week. Let’s snip. The Key To The Abbey (by Steph) My eyelids were so god damn … Read more

Wednesdays are when I disgorge a first draft of a poem for your perusal/monocle-popping disgust. Just doing my bit to correct the terrible shortage of underedited poetry on the internet. If you have any requests for poem topics, please let me know via the ‘Contact Me’ button on the right, or drop a message into … Read more

Release date: 1985 Systems: Arcade, Sega Master System We started our journey through the history of beat em ups way back in April – we’re three months deep already. If you missed previous posts they’re all available to browse. Slowly, slowly, we’re building a bluffer’s guide to the hallowed video game genre known as the … Read more

Ola dear reader. I’ve just returned from a week in Tarragona, swimming, working on my tan (result: patchy, confusing outbreaks of melanin across arms, calves, nose) and eating too much tapas. Seriously. One night we over-ordered accidentally and the concomittant queso-coma nearly did for me. We also saw lots of lovely Spanish dogs, who, I’m … Read more

I am so not going to spend time and love on this week’s post, loyal reader. Sorry, but this is my official holiday week and if I don’t give myself I proper break then I will go into full crazydude mode. Trust me. I know myself. I have been piloting a giant me-suit for as … Read more

Welcome to Death Of 1000 Cuts – making you an awesome writer, one cut at a time. Hey – if you’re working on a novel or short story and you think it’s ready to send out into the big bad world, why not send me your first page, with the title, via the ‘Contact Me’ … Read more

Rat-catching Boiling blood off gin jaws, he stirs his cauldron; witch-finder, squinting through steamy miasma. Droplets form on long whiskers. When he is done, he will bury the traps in the earth for a week, ladling black soil over gleaming teeth. The funk of man will fade, like skin retreating from a skull long sunk … Read more

Release date: 1985 Systems: Arcade, Commodore 64, Amstrad, ZX Spectrum Genre isn’t something inherent in a novel, movie or video game. It’s something we do to it when we consume it, a certain prescription of spectacles. Its creator may or may not have had those spectacles in mind when he or she made it. Last … Read more

Oi oi chums. It is indeed Monday, and that means I have a self-appointed duty to serve you up a great gobbet o’ news relating to the sentient meatbot you probably know via his Earth-designated appelation ‘Tim Clare’. What the deuce could he be getting up to this week? What scrapes might he find himself … Read more

As I write this I am sitting in my sweltering office, nursing a grippy tum. On Wednesday I went swimming in two Suffolk rivers. It was lovely, but I think I might have swallowed more than my fair share of bacteria, because ever since I’ve had a grim gut ache. Don’t worry, don’t worry – … Read more

Salut mes amis, et welcome to another edition of Death Of 1000 Cuts – making you an awesome writer, one cut at a time. Before we go any further, have you read my award-winning book about aspiring writers, the publishing industry, and artistic failure, We Can’t All Be Astronauts? If not, order it now. Make … Read more

So today marks a year since I quit drinking. (if I say I’ve been ‘one year sober’ it sounds a bit rock n’ roll. If I say I’ve been ‘teetotal one year’ I sound like an uptight health freak – neither feels right) Thank you to everyone who has supported me. I don’t have anything … Read more

Release date: 1983 Systems: ZX Spectrum, Amstrad CPC, BBC Micro, C64 When I was growing up, we didn’t know much about the world, but a few facts were passed round the playground as inviolable truths: Michael Jackson was the coolest person in the world, Madonna was the sexiest, and Bruce Lee was the hardest. This … Read more

Hello friend. Hope you had a lovely weekend and were able to take advantage of this heatwave lashing Great Britain. I went swimming in the sea. It was initially perishing then lovely. I rather enjoy that moment where you take the plunge, and it’s so cold you think: oh God, what have I done? Then … Read more

If you’ve never encountered the phenomenon of song poems, then, my friend, you are in for a treat-a-roo. Song poems were – and still are – made by companies who place adverts looking for lyrics and poems to make into songs. The ads dangle the possibility of radio play and international record sales, but they’re … Read more

Welcome to Death of 1000 Cuts – making you an awesome writer, one cut at a time. Does that sound like a tagline yet? This week we put another nascent author’s first page in the Barber’s Chair and go at it with the straight razor. As always, read the extract below, work out what you … Read more