So today marks a year since I quit drinking. (if I say I’ve been ‘one year sober’ it sounds a bit rock n’ roll. If I say I’ve been ‘teetotal one year’ I sound like an uptight health freak – neither feels right) Thank you to everyone who has supported me. I don’t have anything against drinking, but it was the right decision for me, and I feel the best I have in ten years.

If you want to cheers my booze-a-versary, why not buy a copy of my collection, Pub Stuntman, now? Go on, click the link.

Here’s the poem that started it all. Good health, people.

Pub Stuntman

The bedside table’s finest teak
Its curlicues pretentious
My glass is full of scotch and ice
Her glass contains her dentures
Her lips are dry, her legs are splayed,
She switches off her hearing aid
Then, famished as a zombie queen,
Regards me with her one real eye
She winks, she grins,
Her grey gums bleed
We do the deed
We do the deed
The yellowed nails, the wheezing breaths,
The stink of stale saliva
But all that I can think of is:
Dave owes me a fiver.

Cos some men live for politics
And some men live for romance
But me, I live for running down
The high street wearing no pants
I’m quite the character, you see,
And one day I’ll be famous
Now film me while I light the
Roman candle in my anus
Chaps and lasses! Raise a glass
To idiocy’s frontman!
I have no shame, I feel no pain,
Pray silence, for Pub Stuntman

There’s nothing that I wouldn’t down
A pint glass my inverted crown
Attention is my favourite noun
Or… ‘bumtackle’
What a blunt man!
Tuesday means tequila bender!
Come on, liver! No surrender!
Look, a girl – let’s go offend her!
*Crass remark based on your gender*
Watch me lick a sticking plaster!
I do things the smart say naaah to
Fart half the Moonlight Sonata?
Ha ha – that’s the sound I’m after!

This bar is my Vegas
Every stunt I pull’s a flutter
And if laughter’s the best medicine
I’m drinking Calpol in the gutter

Here’s my gonads – pass the lighter!
Twist these fluffy handcuffs tighter!
Pass that vase of Jaegermeister
Ring my grandma – let’s invite her!
Punters gather round to see me –
Look! I’m like those blokes on TV
50p to drink some wee wee?
That’ll sound good on my CV
Take a drawing pin and spike me!
Fill your socks with sand and strike me!
Stub a fag out on my knob
Just please God, like me. Please.

I’ll do a bet, I’ll do a dare
Down Guinness mixed with pubic hair
As long as you all stop and stare
Just stop and stare
Just stop and stare
It’s how I know you really care

I’d rather be a drunken dunce than struggle with profound shit
I almost had a feeling once but grabbed a shot and drowned it
And yes, the mess impressed them when I burnt off all my anus hair
But every time I lit a fart I meant to send a rescue flare
And when I shagged the quiz machine, and couldn’t pull my cock free,
I think what I was trying to say was: ‘Please – somebody stop me.’
A human hid inside this prat, I smothered him with clowning
I was much too far out all my life, and not waving,
but downing