Dear Andrew Motion’s agent,
I am writing to offer my services as the new Andrew Motion Laureate. For just £500 per annum, I will compose poems in response to every major Andrew Motion event. Here is my first poem, in honour of the poet, Andrew Motion.

Ode To Andrew Motion

Andrew Motion
O Andrew Motion
You damnable fucktard
Take the plums out your mouth
And pull the stick out your arse
And if
As you wrench it loose
That stick’s excrement-smeared tip
Should graze a wall
Why, that single ochre smear
Would be a greater gift to culture
Than your whole career

Cry your jealous rivals
Through fits of brackish tears

I enclose an invoice for £50, which I trust you will honour within the next 30 days. I look eagerly forward to working with you.

Yours sincerely,


2 thoughts on “Pre-Emptive Commission #1 – Andrew Motion”

  1. Dear Mr Clare,

    Thank you for your interest in the post of Andrew Motion’s Laureate.

    Mr motion has read your application with interest and would like to invite you to interview.

    As you are aware, the Laureate receives just a token sum of money (and some fine liquor) for his services. We would therefore propose rewarding the successful candidate with a handful of loose change and a small vessel of piss.

    But do rest assured Mr Clare, the piss will be every bit as cloudy and acidic as your verse.


    Andrew Motions agent

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