Two for the price of one today! Some of you may know that I present a show on Future Radio every Tuesday morning, 9:30-12, with John Osborne. John wasn’t in yesterday, so I offered to write poems for the listeners on any subject they liked. I got more requests than I could handle (I find it hard to write when there’s music with lyrics playing in the background – especially songs I like!) but I managed to churn out two commissions. Here they are:

Open Letter To My Cat, Harvey, Who Pooed In The Shower This Morning

Now I, for one, appreciate
The bulk of life’s surprises:
A chaffinch perching on a bow,
A gold Sun, as it rises,
A retweet from Chris Packham
Or a boiled egg that’s spot-on,
Discovering in my rucksack
Half a Crunchie I’d forgotten
But through all these signs and wonders
There’s just one thing that can spoil it;
When you, old friend, decide to
Use my shower as a toilet
I wish you hadn’t done it!
How I wish that you’d refrained!
You’ve blocked the upstairs plumbing
Left my toenails strangely stained!
It’s one surprise I won’t accept
In fact, from now, I’ve banned it
Why can’t you be like normal cats
And use the neighbours’ sandpit

Ode To British Summer

O British Summer! Fickle,
iffy codger of the seasons
You blast the land with strokes of fire,
and then go: ‘Nah, just teasing,’
And pelt our sunburnt necks with sleet;
You wash away our smiles
We weep through red, hayfevered eyes
At chilblains, colds and piles
As festivals run brown with mud
And sunhats sag with moisture
And seagulls poo on pensioners
In perfect shining oysters
You lurch from hot to wet to mehhhh
As if they all just bore you
And yet, through all the punishment
Dear Summer, we adore you

–

If you enjoyed this I rather think you’ll like my poetry collection, Pub Stuntman. You can order it here.

You also might like my album of songs and poems, Jesus Buys Me Cigarettes. You can order a physical copy, or download it from iTunes.

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