Come to a land of wind and ice
Where keeping warm’s an effort
So cold your teeth clack-clack like dice
Yet drier than a desert
A land where sunlight strikes the snow
And shines as bright as solar flares
Look! Marching, row on stately row,
A mighty flock of polar bears

What’s that? No, no, we’re in the South
Don’t panic, we’ve not gone astray
Check out the suitcase in each mouth
The bears are here on holiday

They sailed on ships from northern climes
They basked in wet Equator heat
And now it’s past their dinner times
They’re hungry, and they want to eat

The polar bears are here to eat
They’ve heard the South Pole’s packed with meat
With penguins, clutching eggs, so sweet
And chubby seal pups – what a treat!
They’ve come with knives, they’ve come with forks,
With nets and scythes and pots and sporks,
And when they’re finished popping corks,
They’ll gobble everything that squawks

But meanwhile, on a distant rise,
Unnoticed by the hungry mob
Binoculars leave penguin eyes
-Kzzzhk- ‘Scout to base – we’ve got a prob.’

The emperor penguins called a meeting
First, their Queen got up to speak:
‘Some bears are here, hell bent on eating
Up our legs, wings, bones and beak.
Not too keen on them succeeding,
Getting eaten – not a fan;
In which case, what we’ll be needing,
Noble penguins, is a plan.’
A pause, and then a cry rang out
That filled the massive, ice-bound hall.
A savage, raw, bloodthirsty shout
From one small penguin: ‘Krill them all!’
Said Queen: ‘Oh, killing’s rather drastic.
I don’t bear these bears ill will.’
‘Queen, your hearing’s not fantastic.
Please, the word I used was “krill”.’
And as the tiny penguin spoke
So whispers whirled around the clan
‘What genius!’ ‘A masterstroke!’
The Queen exclaimed: ‘Now that’s a plan.’

We pass now, to the bears, out hunting,
Brawny brutes of fur and fat
One said: ‘Ere, fink I’m onto sumfing,’
He thrust a paw, ‘Just look at that.
That’s a stroke a’ luck, now ain’t it?’
Gloating like a grinning troll
A wooden sign, and on it, painted:
‘KEEP OUT: Penguin Swimming Hole’
And there, just as the sign declared
A hole, cut in the thick, white ice
The bears sat round it, talons bared
And waited for their prey to rise:
‘Now we’ve got the little beasts,
We’ll eat ‘em, fevvers, beak and bum
A crunchy, plump Antarctic feast –
Look out peng-wins! Ere we come!’

not all the bears were thick as phone books
One was quite a brainy chap
He gave the sign a closer look
‘Hold up – I think this sign’s a tra-‘
KABOOM! The bears fell in a pile and
Ice split with a deafening crack
And from it, like a great, grey island,
Rose a giant creature’s back

The polar bears had never met
A gen’win penguin face-to-face,
But this one seemed rather upset:
The bears all cowered: ‘All right, boss!
We’ll go. No need to start a brawl, yeah?
Think we got our wires crossed.
We just thought pen-guh-wins were… smaller.’
With that, the polar bears turned tail,
Fled to their ships, and all set sail.

The giant creature sniggered wryly
Opened her enormous gob
The Queen of Penguins jumped out spryly:
‘So, they’re off, then? Splendid job.
Madam whale, your work’s a credit.
You’ve done us a massive fave.
Friends for life now, there I’ve said it,
Call us, should you need a save.’
The great whale boomed, in gracious mood,
The Queen said: ‘Food? I’d be delighted!
Madam, I should have you knighted!
When folk help, we always thank ‘em –
Here’s a year’s supply of plankton.’