Noah’s Ark & Grill

Come, traveller, to a simpler time
Where dirty kitchens aren’t a crime
And diarrhoea flows like wine
It’s Noah’s Ark & Grill

The walls have ears – so does the veal
There’s elbow grease in every meal
The champagne’s fake, the hooves are real
At Noah’s Ark & Grill

The safety’s off in this cabana
Floor tiles smeared in brown… banana
Scrub the dishes? Eh! Mañana!
Noah’s Ark & Grill

The Ark & Grill’s a thrifty treat
Each meal is a surprise
Gorillas in the mystery meat
Free willy in the pies

Our presence takes a drastic toll on
Local pets: they’ve all been stolen
Gingivitis? Spastic colon?
Roll on Noah’s Ark & Grill

Come feast your deviated septums
On our deep-fried walrus rectums
Hygiene guidelines? We reject ‘em!
Make sure you’ve had your injections
Noah’s Ark & Grill

Wake up and smell the Ark & Grill
The crackle of pork taint
Leaves critics stricken, stark and ill
Cos haute cuisine it ain’t

The lamb chops taste of duffel coat
The prime ribs taste of murder
We use parts of the buffalo
The Navajo ain’t heard of

Fresh flesh for every nature lover!
Pasties filled by Noah’s brother
Contents from the bin marked ‘other’
Noah’s Ark & Grill

Punters puce with streptococci
Puke green like a backwards Popeye
Suicidal? Please, drop by to
Noah’s Ark & Grill

Dysentery? This century?
The peasants are delighted!
Your bum’s a penitentiary
And everyone’s invited

The lawsuits come in two-by-two
The crow spines come in baskets
The dolphin pie is tuna-safe
If you need proof – just ask it
[dolphin noise] What’s that Flipper?
You can’t understand why God doesn’t end your suffering?

We haven’t lost a diner yet
The secret sauce is pure regret
Free vein in every grilled courgette
At Noah’s Ark & Grill

You’d best bring an umbrella, they say
Lest some peaky fella spray stray
Chunks like an unweller Fay Wray
Lurking lawyers smell a payday
Hipsters think it’s hella cray-cray
‘Haters are just jealous, baby.’
Help us! Mayday!
Noah’s Ark & Grill

No guts, no glory, them’s the breaks
Tuck in and take your chances
A DNA test on our steaks
Reads like a list of kung fu stances:

Monkey, tiger, dwarf gazelle,
The bat, the crane, yes, horse as well,
Reconstituted Orson Welles
The portions swell
To caution, Hell
At Noah’s Ark & Grill

The blender bletches reds and pinks
While slender wretches retch in sinks
Bacteria? You betcha. [winks]
The food chain’s got some extra links
At Noah’s Ark & Grill

Each Easter when we clean the floor
It looks just like a scene from Saw
Please sir, can I have some mor-
phine? Seriously. I need morphine.
Noah’s Ark & Grill

The chips come with a side of flies
The wafers are communion-sized
The salmonella’s unionized
At Noah’s Ark & Grill

And if you feel a nagging stab
Through rolls of grey unfeeling flab
When finally you pay your tab
At Noah’s Ark & Grill

Wipe off the grease, put down your knife
Remember these two rules for life:
The best things come to those who grab
Don’t eat a burger with a scab